Most people with personality disorders have what is sometimes referred to as "disorders of the self," because they often don’t believe that there is anything wrong with them. They think, “This is me,” or “This is the way I have always been,” and self-preservation makes them want to stay that way. Personality disordered people are the ones who usually come to mind when we think of the term, “toxic person.” Here are some insights and steps for dealing with these highly difficult - even, impossible - people. Note: These don't apply to all personality disorders.
1. Recognize that impossible people exist; you will eventually encounter them. There isn't a thing you can do about it. The first step is all about facing reality: If you think you might be dealing with an impossible person, you're probably right. When in doubt, proceed as instructed below. The headaches you save will be your own.
2 Do not call them out because it will frustrate them. They could become more difficult, but just stand your ground and be confident.
3
Be aware that some people simply aren't compatible. Sometimes, a person who gets along with everybody else quite well is an impossible person for you personally. Most relationships between people contain many shades of gray, but some people simply mix as well as oil and water. It is common to hear your impossible person proclaim that "Everyone else likes me." This is an attempt to shift the blame to you, so don't buy it. It doesn't matter how this person interacts with others. The fact is, the way the two of you interact together is terrible. Remember that blame never changes the facts.
4
Understand that it's not you, it's them. This can be surprisingly difficult, considering that impossible people have complete mastery of blaming skills. If you're dealing with an impossible person, you're probably being told on a regular basis that every conceivable thing is your fault. It isn't. As the saying goes, "It takes two to tango." Chances are, the more often they blame you, the more they themselves are actually at fault. Keep in mind that this is not to be used as a way to blame them. Blaming is what impossible people do, and they do it well. Instead, you are only facing the facts, for your own sake. That being said, here's a simple way to tell: If you accept responsibility for your own faults and resolve to improve yourself, it's probably not you. Remember, impossible people "can do no wrong."
5
Defuse them. Stay calm, and don't spit angry words at them, whatever you do don't cry - this will only stimulate them to do more of the difficult behavior. Try ignoring them. Try looking away or starting another conversation, with a totally different topic. Find something you can agree with or praise them for. Do not, under any circumstances, join them in bashing, blaming or complaining. Do not bad talk to their face or to anyone else because then you are sinking down to their level. Add something positive. Redirect by focusing on something, anything, positive in the situation or in the conversation. Whatever you do just stay calm!
6
Realize that you cannot deal with impossible people the same way you deal with everyone else. In some ways, they need to be treated like children. Give up all hope of engaging these folks in any kind of reasonable conversation. It will never happen, at least with you. Remember what happened the last fifty times you tried to have a civilized discussion about the status of your relationship with this person. Chances are, every such attempt ended in you being blamed for everything. Decide now to quit banging your head against a brick wall.
7
Protect your self-esteem. If you have regular dealings with someone who tries to portray you as the source of all evil, you need to take active steps to maintain a positive self-image. Remind yourself that this person's opinion is not necessarily the truth. Understand that oftentimes, impossible people are particularly "fact-challenged." If the attacks have little basis in raw fact, dismiss them. You can't possibly be as bad as this person would like you to believe you are. Do not defend yourself out loud, however. It will only provoke the impossible person into another tirade.
8
Guard against anger. If it helps, consider the fact that your anger is actually a precious gift to the impossible person. Anything you do or say while angry will be used against you over and over again. Impossible people tend to have amazing memories, and they will not hesitate to use a nearly endless laundry list of complaints from the past against you. Five years from now, you could be hearing about the angry remark you made today (which you didn't even mean in the first place). Impossible people will seize anything that provides them the opportunity to lay blame like it was gold.
9
Give up self-defense. Understand very clearly that you cannot beat these kinds of people; they're called "impossible" for a reason. In their minds, you are the source of all wrongdoing, and nothing you can say is going to make them consider your side of the story. Your opinion is of no consequence, because you are already guilty, no matter what.
10
Understand that eventually, you and the impossible person will have to part ways. Whether they are a friend, a boss, a parent, even a spouse, the time to leave will eventually manifest. Maintaining a relationship with an impossible person is, literally, impossible. If you can't (or won't) make a physical departure immediately, make a mental one. In your mind, you've already left the relationship. The only thing left to do is wait for physical reality to reflect that fact.
11
Avoid letting the impossible person make you into a "clone" of them. If you aren't careful, you could find yourself adopting much of the offender's own behavior, even if you aren't voluntarily trying. Eschew blame entirely by understanding that this is just the way the other person is. These things define the impossible person's actions, and nothing you do can change any part of their past.
12
Be a manager. Until it is over, your task in the relationship is to manage the impossible person, so that he or she deals less damage to you. As a manager, your best resources are silence (it really is golden in some cases such as this), humoring the other, and abandoning all hope of "fixing" the impossible person. Impossible people do not listen to reason. They can't (and even if they could, they wouldn't). You can't convince them that they have any responsibility for the problems between you. They don't recognize (or if they did, wouldn't try to improve) their flaws for a very logical reason; they don't have any flaws. You must understand and manage this mindset without casting blame and without giving in to anger. It's far easier said than done, and you will slip from time to time, but as time goes on, you'll become a better manager.
13
Realize that impossible people engage in projection. Understand that you are going to be accused of much (or all) of this behavior yourself. If your impossible person gets a look at this text, to them it will look like a page about you. Prepare yourself for the fact that the impossible person's flaws and failings will always be attributed to you. Remember, in their minds, you are at fault for everything! They will have an endless supply of arguments to support this, and if you make the mistake of encouraging them, they will be more than happy to tell you why you are the impossible person, and how ironic it is that you are under the mistaken impression that it is them.
14
Be the opposite of them: a possible person. Live as an example of tolerance, patience, humility, and even some kindness (as difficult as that may be)--because these are all the things that the impossible person is not or not very good at. We are all influenced by the people in our environment--they don't have to be perfect all the time and neither do you. Give respect because you are human. If you don't receive respect, that's -sadly- their problem. Give understanding, and you get understanding. Ultimately this sort of behavior is probably the only thing that might possibly get through to them. They may not change in everything, but you can safely expect a change.
* Important: If you care about the people in question and have longstanding relationships with them, try to get them to seek help.
* Don't become a martyr. Before you attempt to deal with impossible people yourself, you may have to learn how to control your own emotions. If you are simply unable to avoid an impossible person due to work, family, or other reasons, it is especially important to find other interests, join a support group, and seek therapy or religious counseling if necessary.
* Don't let them be the martyr that brings you down either. It is a real source of frustration to have a difficult person "play the martyr" around you to arouse your feelings of guilt and confusion. Beware this tactic and stand aside from them as they serve as their own martyr without you cementing their choice by fawning over them or conceding to their behavior.
* Be aware that all of us exhibit some of these personality "disorders" to some degree. It's just a question of how you define "normal".
* The following list is a capsule description of the ten major personality disorders which have been identified by the American Psychiatric Association. It is not intended to teach you how to become a diagnostician, but merely how to become aware of how the traits of the various personality disorders clump together. (But just because a person may happen to have some of these traits, it doesn't necessarily mean that they have the personality disorder itself.)
o People with schizoid personality disorders are the hermits among us. They don’t want or enjoy close relationships – even including being part of a family. They have little interest in sex, and take pleasure in few, if any, activities, and generally appear as emotionally cold and distant.
o People with schizotypal personality disorders aren’t really crazy – they just look and act that way. They may belong to cults or other groups which in this society would be regarded by people around them as very, very strange indeed – or they may be a “cult of one,” without any apparent outside support for their odd or eccentric patterns of thought and behavior.
o People with anti-social personality disorders lack the capacity for a conscience and thus have no sense of right and wrong except for how to get what they want. But they are not always to be found in prisons. They are often very charming people, and make great salespersons -- or politicians. Some of them can be very good at it, and they just might end up as elected officials or the CEOs of major corporations. Often times they are also exceptionally intelligent.
o People with histrionic personality disorders, regardless of whether they happen to be male or female, are often referred to as “drama queens.” They live for attention, and will frequently go to great lengths in order to get it. They have to drive the right car, live in the right neighborhood, wear the right clothes, and send their kids to the right schools. If they become celebrities, their motto may become, “I don’t care what you print about me, just be sure you spell my name right.”
o People with obsessive-compulsive personality disorders handle their anxieties by getting so bogged down in detail that the essential point of the activity is lost. They may spend a great time each day repeating rituals such as washing their hands over and over, or endlessly cleaning their house, washing their car, or caring for their lawn, so that they don’t have time to be concerned about the big problems in life that they are simply too frightened to deal with. Note that this is NOT the same as the neurological disorder called OCD.
o People with dependent personality disorders usually have very low self-esteem. They don’t like to take risks and strike out on their own. They don't care much how they are treated, and are willing to put up with a lot, as long as they are able to feel secure. Sometimes, for these people, the "devil they know" is better than the one they don't - in other words, they may realize they are in a bad relationship, but they feel safe because they understand that relationship. It's better and easier to stay there than face a possibly worse relationship, or no relationship at all.
o People with borderline personality disorders generally have very weak sense of self and weak interpersonal boundaries, and often have very intense, passionate, and very short relationships, because they are “in love with love itself,” and not with any particular person. When the relationship begins to cool off, they are ready to move on. They often cannot talk to someone of the opposite sex (or the same sex, if they’re so inclined), without acting and feeling like they are falling in love with that person. They are often recklessly impulsive, self-destructive, and emotionally unstable with frequent outbursts.
o People with avoidant personality disorders are extremely shy, and most of what they do is motivated by the need to avoid situations in which they feel like there is a possibility that they might embarrass themselves.
o People with paranoid personality disorders are primarily motivated by the need to ward off risks the most of us routinely accept because they are so unlikely to happen. They include the “conspiracy theorists,” who want to blame all the world’s ills on a small group of evil people who are scheming to control the rest of us. For example, if a person with a paranoid personality disorder happens to notice that the American Psychiatric Association keeps adding more and more diagnoses to their Diagnostic and Statistical Manual with each edition, they might think, "When everyone has a diagnosis, psychiatrists will rule the world!"
o Passive-aggressive personality disorder was removed from the list in the latest edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, but it is being included for the purposes of this discussion, because passive-aggressive behavior does exist regardless of whether or not there is enough evidence to make it a separate category of personality disorder. Passive-aggressive people express their hostilities indirectly by pushing other people’s buttons without appearing to do so -- like the dinner guest who exclaims innocently, "Wonderful meal, folks. I had no idea how delicious the cheaper cuts of meat could be!" or the sneaky "Don't worry about me, I'm fine," when you know perfectly well that if you say, "Okay," and go on with whatever you were doing, there are going to be problems to deal with later because he/she is most definitely not fine, and you should have known that.
* If nothing else helps, resolve to treat your experiences with impossible people as valuable life lessons. Realize that after dealing with them for a while, getting along with everyone else will be easier. You are getting a free education about how to deal with the most difficult people. Although it is unpleasant now, the lessons you learn are going to be valuable later in life.
* It may also help to call a spade a spade and realize that you are dealing with an emotional abuser. More helpful information can be found in literature on that topic.
o Be kind and friendly even though they may act like a jerk to receive negative attention. If they are lonely but don't know how to get attention, then they will appreciate what you are doing and change. If they are just natural jerks who love to make others mad, then what you are doing will enrage them because they can't figure out how to make you mad, and eventually they will leave you alone. Love is crucial, even if it is insanely difficult to perform in various situations.
* That being said, be careful about using kindness. You don't want to end up rewarding someone who is abusive towards you, or it will encourage more abuse. For example, they may yell at you to do something that is their job, and you decide to be kind and do it. Then this person now feels that they can get their way with you by bullying you.
* Some impossible people will see your kindness as a willingness to do any favor they ask. When this happens, kindly and regretfully decline. Do not lie; it is better not to explain, but simply to decline, or if pressed hard, to be vague about your reasons. Lying, if discovered, will exacerbate your problems with this person (since, as stated above, they can simply pull out your lie years later as more "evidence" for "blame" on you).
* Don't disagree with them; find ways to be agreeable even if they are wrong. When they tell you that you donated the money for attention or whatever else, you can say that they might be right. Agreeing with impossible people sidetracks their steam as they continually look for arguments. You could even smile a bit as you agree with them, thus maintaining your good humor and away from falling back into anger.
* Note that the most healthy way to deal with an impossible person is to remove that person from your environment. Do not torture yourself by exposing yourself to a destructive person. Do not put up with it. You are worth more than that. Remember that you cannot "fix" this person.
* When someone is abusing or slandering you, other people will start to show sympathy towards you. You don't need to do anything to make your opponent look bad; she/he just digs his/her grave with no help from you. If s/he is angering you, others are also likely to be annoyed.
* Try to focus on the positive, even if you can't seem to think of anything. Something as simple as "God loves him/her" can keep you under control, even if you don't love them yourself.
* Cavaiola and Lavender's Toxic Co-Workers (2000) is an excellent source of advice for dealing with toxic people, which can be applied not only in work situations but wherever you happen to find them. They have inspired a host of imitators; but unlike most of the others, they use the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the American Psychiatric Association (1994) for their source material.
* Ignore them. How better to undermine someone who wants to rant and rave in order to seek attention than to not give them the attention they want? If they cannot get your attention they will move on to someone else who will give them the attention they crave. Don't let it be you.
edit Warnings
* Make sure you do not make impossible people angry; although they usually (of course) "have no temper" and are "reasonable to everybody," the fact is that if you enrage them, they will blow their stack like you can't believe. Your own moments of frustration with them will pale in comparison. Don't give them a reason. Instead, think of their outbursts in the same way you would a child's tantrum, but do it subtly (in such a way that they can't lash out at you for being "condescending"). This takes practice, but it is a social skill worth developing. It might help to think of this person as having a health problem: this person needs help, needs constant management, and you may not be able to do it alone.
* If for some reason, you are able to convince impossible people with irrefutable evidence that they (and they alone) are at fault, then there is a possibility that they will completely "crash" in the other direction, expressing the belief that if they can't be right in this one situation, then they must be 100% wrong all the time in every situation. This is a coping mechanism of theirs which attempts to encourage others around them to feel sympathy for them and build them back up.
* Never tell others how you feel about this person. If you confess the impossible behavior of this impossible person, and the person you tell shares the same views as you have, then it is quite possible that this person might spread the chat you had with him/her. Then, when it reaches the ears of the impossible person in this case, regardless of the means by which this knowledge reaches him, s/he will make every possible attempt to degrade your image, because then s/he will know who started it.
* On the other hand, if this person is unavoidable, you may find it useful to manage the situation with someone else, in sort of a tag team. One may make themselves available to give the needed attention, while the other takes a break.
* Protect your privacy! Impossible people will use any information on your personal life however small as a trump card against you. They can spin stories about you to other people (especially those close to you both) on a simple comment you made over lunch. Since they are specialists in manipulation, they are very good at making you talk. Impossible people are good at seeming normal, and unless you are very convinced of who you are and where you stand in relation to the slight madness of this person, there will be times where you think "hey, she's not so bad after all. I guess I could tell her what I am going through these days...." BIG MISTAKE. It will come back to you when you least expect it, in the most dirty and manipulative way. Things shared in confidence late night at the office between the two of you can be used in an ice cold analysis in front of the whole company in a moment where the impossible person needs to get on top of you. He/she will spare no information to prove to others how well they know you, and such know what the best way to "handle" you is.
* NEVER confront an impossible person with the fact that they are the chief source of the problem. You will unleash a flood of denial and blame in failing to keep it to yourself (or you can tell it to others, as stated above—perhaps a blog under an online alias can help, for example).
* Be careful with non-verbal gestures, as they may bring about misconceptions.
* Be careful in making any physical contact with the person; a mere pat on the back may aggravate even the most mild-mannered impossible person.
* Don't show this page (or any other similar advice) to impossible people in an attempt to convince them of how difficult they are. Again (and it bears repeating), you can't convince them of diddly-squat. Any attempt whatsoever to do so will only result in you getting blasted with another tirade, which will create more resentment against you and compound the problem.*Remember:You're not the impossible one.
* Make sure you are not being impossible before attempting the above steps and tips. You may injure yourself.
* Know when to say goodbye. If this relationship has worn you down, or if you feel this person is impulsive enough to be dangerous to you, even if only in terms of continual emotional battery, let them go. Cut off the relationship as soon as it's practical and possible, and refuse any further contact. The impossible person will attempt to make contact, perhaps a number of times - if you decline, they will bait you, insult you, talk to your friends about you, take any bit of gossip they hear about you and run with it, etc. You must resist the temptation to engage this person - ever again. If you have a mutual friend who wants to share info on the impossible person, say, "You know what, I think I'd rather not hear about her/him. I've moved on."
* While we, the authors, hope this article is informative, please do not use it as a substitute for professional therapy or counseling. Because of the nature of WikiHow, some suggestions may be contradictory or even harmful. Do diligent and careful research in many places (online AND offline) to really understand people issues. Don't expect to read for 5 minutes and become an expert on analysis.
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